Helping your child overcome social difficulties
By Dr. Georgiana Cameron
Have you ever found yourself replaying a social situation after it’s over, wishing you had said something else? Or experienced an awkward silence as you were getting to know a new friend? Or been nervous about going to a new place where you don’t know anyone? You most likely said yes to most or all of these questions. And that’s because you are a human.
Socialising is one of the most important skills for humans’ ability to survive and adapt - yet it is also one of the most complex and challenging skills to master. Homosapiens have succeeded in dominating all other species on Earth (for good and for bad), and it is largely because have systems which allow us to organise ourselves and work together.
Humanity’s greatest strength, our ability to connect and communicate with one another, is also our greatest weakness. It takes time to work out ways to communicate with each other without hurting one another - as history’s countless wars can attest to. Just like the evolution of human kind’s social skills has been slow with many a misstep, the development of social skills across a lifespan is a crazy obstacle course of awkward moments, and friendship highs and lows.
As parents and carers it can be hard to watch our children navigate through the complexities of social life. The heart strings of parents and carers are pulled when our child tells us their friend was mean to them, or they are being bullied, left out, pushed around. We also feel the embarrassment and disappointment when we find out our child was aggressive or unkind to others. Or we feel emotionally torn as we prise our child’s hands from ours on their first day of school. All parents want their children to feel safe, happy and confident in the face of challenges. And yet, we all know the pathway to these aims can be hard work.
Social difficulties can come in all different forms. We might have difficulty interpreting what others are communicating through their actions and words. We may not know how to handle disagreements in a constructive way. We might worry about how others will judge us so avoid people all together. We might yell at others when we feel frustration because we don’t know how to cope with that emotion. All these difficulties exist on a scale, and some days we are better or worse at overcoming them. So, when should parents and carers consider getting help for their child experiencing a social difficulty?
The question to ask here is ‘what is the impact of the problem on my child’s life’? For example, shyness does not have to be a problem. Sometimes shyness can be a good thing in a social situation, as it allows a person to observe and assess the interactions and relationships before diving in. Shyness can become a problem when it stops a person from achieving what they want or living the kind of life they want. If a child really wants to have a large circle of friends and their shyness is getting in the way of that, then it’s a problem.
When looking for signs of negative impact it is worth considering your child’s day to day functioning, ability to achieve, relationships with others and general mood. When we observe negative impacts and signs that our child’s quality of life is suffering, it may be time to consider getting some support.
Support for social problems should not be one person or solution. One to one therapy with a trained mental health professional is just one of many valid pathways to overcoming social difficulties. Social problems require social solutions. The whole village of school, family and community can help children. Being part of a team, joining a new club at school, having a play date with a new friend, talking to extended family members, doing drama classes, going on school camp, presenting something in class – these are important pathways to practicing and improving social and emotional competencies.
As with most things, the first step is realising something has become a problem. The second step is trying to overcome the problem, and of all the problems in the world this problem is most suited to getting help. But it is important to keep in mind that help needs to be helpful. Seek out social support that lifts your child up. This is why professional help can be particularly beneficial for social problems because it is about establishing a trusting relationship in which your child feels secure to overcome their problems. Building a strong relationship with a therapist can help give a child a model for how to make and maintain relationships with others.
Problems can sometimes feel never ending while we are experiencing them. As parents we might sometimes feel impatience as we wait for our kids to develop social and emotional competencies. Endless melt-downs, fighting and relational struggles can be taxing. In these moments it is good to try and find the humour in situations (most comedy is borne from awkward moments) and know that help and support is available.
If you are concerned about your child please get in touch with us at the Social Learning Studio to discuss how we can support you.